Answers

Dear Braxton,

How do I propose to my girlfriend? Like, what's the right way to do it? Her name is Florence.

Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

First off, thank you for including her name. That does so much for me in terms of information that is important and relevant to my response.

This is how I got my wife (whose name is also Florence) to say yes:


I took her out to a movie and let her pick. I bought her popcorn, but only a small, and under the condition that if she was all right with that I wouldn't hit her in front of people. I managed to stay awake for most of the movie, which thrilled her to death. Oops, I forgot to mention, make sure she wears a skirt (it's vital to the plan). So anyway, after the movie I took her to an Eat'N'Park. After we stuffed ourselves full of shitty food and I didn't say anything to make her start that annoying crying thing she does, I followed her into the bathroom without her knowing.

When she got out of the stall and was washing her hands, I crawled up behind her and ripped her panties off. At first she screamed but when she saw that it was me she went with it. Long story short, I went down on her like crazy and pretended I found the ring in her lady parts. Then I popped the question.

Damn near charmed her to bits.

Go get 'em,

Braxton





Dear Braxton,

Im in 9th grade and I've been dating this guy for three weeks and he doesn't have time for me like 2 hang out with me. I told him if he isn't going 2 put in time 2 the relationship the relationship won't work but he still just lets me down. Im starting 2 feel embarassed 2 ask him because I know what the answer is going 2 be I really like him what should I do?

Charli, MA



Charli,

Don't be such a little bitch. You're barely in high school, of course he doesn't have time for you. You can't cook yet, and I'll bet you don't even know how to curl your lips over your teeth so they don't cut him. Relax, you have a whole life of disappointment ahead of you.

Get a vibrator,

Braxton




Dear Braxton,

Does my ex still like me? We r both in tenth grade n I m a girl. He lives next to my gmas n I went over there for her birthday. He came over n kept tryin to tickle me n stuff. He asked if he could carry me. what does this mean?

jEnNiFeR OK




Dear TYPE YOUR FUCKING NAME RIGHT,

He doesn't still like you. Actually, he probably never liked you to begin with. He just wants to pork you into oblivion.


Read Twilight,

Braxton



hunny nigga Braxton,

i hungry fo a man kno wut i mean? i want sum up in herr i need it like 3-4 time a DAY. Listen he got been had money bringin in them stacks a chee$e fa his gurl. How do i find it i aint plaiyn no mo ya hurr



Dear fellow "hunny nigga,"

I'm not one to stereotype but after reading that I can only assume that you're either black or one of those lower middle class girls that wear the pastel sweatpants with easily pronounced, sexually connotative adjectives emblazoned on the ass. Given that, I would still be willing to provide you some advice were I able to locate your fucking question. Did you graduate from high school? You know, it's legal for you people to learn to read and write now, and I suggest you fully exercise that freedom.

Tell your baby daddy I said hey,

Braxton




Dear Braxton,

I'm going to the beach next week. I'm pretty muscular. No six pack, but I have good biceps and I am attractive. I'm 16 years old. How do I talk to girls and have girls like me?

Toby FL


Toby,

First, don't be afraid of showing a little scrotum, especially if it's a different color than the rest of you. Just watch the stubble.

The second key thing is to use pheromones to your advantage as much as possible. Procure some of your own semen by whatever means you deem necessary, then divide it up among your palms and slap it under your chin like aftershave. This will throw a scent in the ladies' directions that they won't totally be aware of, but it will drive them crazy just the same.

That should get you a fair number of takers, so whenever you get a girl to actually talk to you, here's what you do: Make sure you mention her vagina as much as possible, but don't use the actual word vagina, make up some colorful euphemisms that you can insert into all sorts of scenarios. Also, never say more than ten words without one of them being "titties." Girls are often confused, and don't wield language very well, so it's important to be constantly reminding them why you're there.


Do these things, and you should have not only an excellent vacation, but life as well.

High five,

Braxton



Dear Braxton,

How do guys typically choose to show girls their interest in them? You're a guy. Do they just talk to them when they feel like it and not other times? Please help, I really like this guy and I want to know if he really likes me too. Also, do guys like it when a girl plays hard to get? Or do you think he will get bored? Please respond, he could be the one.

Kat VA



Dearest Kat,

I don't want to sound like a dick (yes I do) but chances are the simple fact that you're a girl with regular girl concerns means you're an irreconcilable bore. Most girls are boring. Most people are boring. That is why so many human bonds are dependent on sex for survival. He'll likely get tired of you even if you don't play hard to get.

That said, playing hard to get in terms of physicality is sometimes a good way to turn a guy on, or a good way to get raped to death under the bleachers at an away game (I haven't decided yet). Playing hard to get in terms of emotional connection is...well that just doesn't happen. Actually, if you are the type of person who makes a deliberate game of playing hard to get, you're not mature or smart enough to keep a fish alive, let alone kindle and maintain the type of relationship you think you're talking about.


Learn to love fisting,

Braxton